


Not Deserving

by shnuffeluv



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Human, Deceit Sanders Has a Different Name, Domestic Violence, M/M, POV Deceit Sanders, Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Trans Deceit Sanders, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-30 09:23:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19850239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shnuffeluv/pseuds/shnuffeluv
Summary: Ethan loves Justin, has loved Justin for a long time. He knows Justin loves him too. He just has a funny way of showing it.





	Not Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, this took me three hours to write, I was so excited about it! Any errors are mine alone, and I hope you enjoy it! Please, mind the tags if you haven't looked at them already. This fic covers some very heavy topics.

Ethan flinched as the cheap vase shattered against the wall inches from his head. He knew it was against the rules to flinch, but he couldn't help it. Even if the vase was cheap glass, it was loud when it shattered. Justin stalked over to Ethan and Ethan backed up against the wall as Justin leaned one hand against the wall where the vase had shattered. "Now look what you've done, Ethan. Gone and caused such a mess. Again. I'm going out, and when I'm back I want to see this place spotless, clear?"

Silently, Ethan nodded, and Justin shoved him in the chest, causing Ethan to jump. Justin laughed and muttered, "Useless bitch," as he stumbled into the bedroom.

Ethan didn't dare move until Justin left the house, and even then he only sank to the floor as waves of dysphoria knocked him off his feet. He knew Justin didn't mean what he said, he was just a little drunk, and Ethan wasn't able to wear his chest binder today, so it was hard for him to remember that Ethan was transgender. He also knew that Justin would be going to the club, most likely to find some girl or another to sleep with. And that was okay, Ethan was polyamorous, he didn't mind. He did sometimes wish that Justin would still love him all over like he used to, though.

Still, he had a job to do. He went to the closet and pulled out the dustpan, sweeping up the glass and throwing it away, before picking up the flowers that had been in the vase and feeling a pang of regret. He had loved these flowers, he had bought them with Justin in mind. They wouldn't survive long without the vase, so he resolved to dry them or press the petals, so he could still get a use out of them a while longer. He hummed under his breath. He missed Justin, but he was also relieved that Justin was out for the night. He hated when Justin would start yelling over something Ethan had screwed up.

When he deemed the apartment as clean as it could ever be, he stumbled to bed and checked the time, finding it just before one in the morning. He flopped onto bed and cuddled his pillow. If Justin wasn't back within the hour, he had probably gotten lucky and wouldn't show up until tomorrow afternoon. Which was whatever, Ethan had a shift in the local bookstore that morning anyway. Hopefully, Justin wouldn't trash the place before Ethan was back.

Blinking blearily in the morning as his phone's alarm rang, Ethan groaned and turned off the sound, before getting up and getting dressed. After he had packed and started binding, he felt a little better. He was supposed to only work the check-out today, so he wouldn't have to lug boxes of books around and risk strenuous exercise. He made himself breakfast and ate on the walk to the bus stop, and by the time he had made it to the bookstore he was as awake as he could ever be after a stressful night and he was ready to take on the day. He clocked in on time, nodded to Virgil, the bookstore owner, and got to the cashier's spot just in time for the doors to open.

Most of the morning was monotonous--checking out similar books, none of them ones that he felt inclined to read. Then, just before noon, Remus scurried to the front of the shop and asked, "Ethan, can I pretty pretty please swap places with you? My ankle has been killing me all morning, and I can barely restock the shelves anymore."

Ethan felt his stomach sink at the thought of having to lug around that many books in a chest binder, but he remembered Justin's words in his ear. _Useless bitch._ He knew he had to accept. "Sure, Remus. Just know that my shift ends in an hour, okay? Then it's back to shelving for you."

Remus hugged Ethan almost too tightly and ushered Ethan away with a, "I had to stop in the romance section."

Ethan felt even worse than before, but nodded. He hated the romance section, had hated it ever since he had gotten together with Justin. He headed to the romance section, though, because he had to, he had told Remus he would, and finished shelving all the books on that particular stand, but there were easily three dozen more books to sort through. Ethan didn't mind sorting through the books, but he had a problem bending and reaching and bending and moving down and lugging around a crate full of books. In no time, he was feeling shortness of breath. But he was also out of books, so he returned the crate to the back and decided to work on the mystery section next. He grabbed the crate and started to make his way over to the mystery books, before a voice yelled behind him, "Ethan! Uh, no! Stop that right now!"

It took every ounce of self-control Ethan had to not jump as Virgil jogged over to him. "No shelving when you're binding, we've been over this!" Virgil said sternly, taking the crate out of his hands. "Why are you shelving, anyway? I had you slotted for the check-out today."

"Remus said he hurt his ankle," Ethan said, voice small.

"Again?!" Virgil asked exasperatedly. "That's the third time this month he's tried to get out of shelving! Ethan, go back to the front. Remus will be doing his job. He didn't hurt his ankle, he's just trying to get out of his least favorite job."

"Oh..." Ethan said. _Stupid, you should have realized that!_

"Hey, Ethan?" Virgil asked, voice soft. "Don't beat yourself up over this, all right? Remus will do just about anything to get out of shelving. It's not your fault that you were trying to help."

Ethan's smile was strained and didn't quite reach his eyes as he nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Virgil."

Virgil grinned. "Hey, you've finally stopped calling me 'Boss,' that's progress!" he complimented. "To the front with you, I'll have a word with Remus."

Ethan nodded and went up front, working the cash register until it was time for him to clock out. When he went into the back, Virgil was waiting for him, like usual. "How's Justin?" Virgil asked, voice suspiciously neutral. "You seemed tired this morning. He keep you up last night?"

"You know how it is," Ethan said with a strained laugh. "When he wants something he doesn't stop until he gets it. Sometimes, he wants a little excitement in the bedroom, if you catch my drift." _Just not with me, not anymore._

Virgil gave Ethan a thin smile as he clocked out. "He's treating you right, though? Aftercare, and all that?"

"Yeah, of course," Ethan lied, giving Virgil a small smile. "I should get out of here, I need some lunch and I might swing by the florist's before they close."

Virgil waved him off. "Yeah, see you later, Ethan. Have a good rest of the day."

 _If only._ "I'll try," Ethan laughed.

He left the store, wilting a little at the stink-eye Remus was giving him on the way out. But once he was outside, in the relative fresh air, he took a semi-deep breath and let it out slowly with a smile. He made his way to his favorite cafe, which was just down the street from the bookstore. As soon as he walked in, the barista, Patton, waved at him and called, "Hi, Ethan! The usual?"

Ethan silently nodded and Patton turned to get started on his order. When it was done Ethan had the money out ready to pay and Patton cheerily gave him his change. "You got a little cut on your cheek there, Ethan, you okay?"

When Ethan pulled out his phone, he could see a cut right below his eye in his reflection. Huh. He hadn't even noticed the glass cutting him yesterday as the shards flew by. "Yeah, I just accidentally got cut by some glass," Ethan said. "Tripped, vase broke, hands narrowly missed getting cut, but my face wasn't so lucky."

"Ouch, be careful, Ethan. This is what, your sixth cut this month?"

"Seventh, I think," Ethan said with a sheepish grin.

Patton's gaze showed concern, and Ethan wanted to spill his guts then and there, to admit everything that Justin had done over the past few months, but he couldn't. At the end of the day, Justin loved him. He just had a hard time showing it. And Ethan didn't want to get Justin in trouble. So he took his food with a quiet "Thank you," sat in his usual spot for lunch, and then left, heading to the florist's. Maybe he could get a new vase, and some fresh flowers. Justin seemed to love it when Ethan brought him flowers.

When he walked into the florist's, Logan turned from tending to the flowers, smiling when he saw Ethan. "Ethan, hey," Logan said softly. "How you doing?"

Ethan smiled and said, "I'm okay." Logan was the person who knew the most about what Justin did behind closed doors, because he knew how many vases had been broken over the months Ethan had come in to buy new ones.

"What are you looking for today?" Logan asked.

"I'm not sure. Maybe some marigolds?" Dee asked. "Or a couple roses."

"His favorite flower, and something romantic," Logan said knowingly. "He broke another vase, didn't he?"

"I...yeah," Ethan mumbled, grabbing one of his arms with the other.

"Is that where you got your cut?" Logan asked, walking over.

Ethan shied away from Logan's hand and muttered, "I don't want to talk about it."

Logan looked genuinely distressed at that, but nodded and said, "As you wish."

Ethan gave Logan a thankful smile as he went to grab a few white roses. "Three good?" he asked as he brought them over to Ethan.

"Yeah," Ethan agreed.

Logan rang the flowers up and said, "You know, Ethan, you're too good for him. You could leave any time you wanted, and you'd be better off for it. He clearly doesn't appreciate you."

Ethan blushed and mumbled, "No...I don't deserve him. He's the one who's kind enough to love me."

Logan looked like he wanted to argue, but Ethan took the flowers and left the store with them and the new vase they were in.

When he got home, Justin was back, and he was drinking on the couch. "Good job cleaning," Justin grunted when Ethan walked back in. "This place doesn't look like a total pig sty."

Ethan squirmed a little under the olive branch he saw those words as. "Thanks," he said softly. "I got some new flowers...should I put them in the kitchen?"

"Whatever," Justin grunted.

Ethan took them to the kitchen and started preparing dinner early, so that Justin might eat before he went out for the night again. Ethan was filling a pot with water to put on the stove, but his grip slipped on the handle as he turned. What happened next felt like the world was in slow-motion. Ethan grabbed wildly for the pot but couldn't grasp it, and it clattered to the floor, water spilling all across the kitchen.

The silence that followed in the apartment was deafening. Ethan stood stock still, scared out of his wits, as Justin's steady footsteps approached. Justin stood at the edge of the kitchen, looking at the mess on the floor, before looking at Ethan. "Stupid," he growled. "Can't you do anything right, you stupid bitch?!"

"It was an accident! I'm sorry!" Ethan exclaimed. "Here, I'll clean it up right now!"

He went to move past Ethan but Justin grabbed him roughly by the wrist, before slapping Ethan across the face. "You won't do anything! You can't do anything right! All you do is screw up, time after time! It's a small wonder I've put up with you all this time!" Justin roared. He manhandled Ethan to the door. "Get out!"

"What?!" Ethan asked, feeling his breathing pick up.

"Get out!" Justin exclaimed. "We're through! You're not welcome in my apartment anymore! Good luck finding a new boyfriend, you bitch! You're just a weak, pathetic little girl! Why don't you run home to your mommy, maybe she can make it all better, Samantha."

Ethan felt tears come to his eyes. He absolutely hated it when he got deadnamed, but it hurt one thousand times more to hear it from the man he loved. "Justin..."

Justin slammed the door in Ethan's face. Ethan backed up, before running down the stairs of the apartment complex and running down through the street, tears blinding his vision. When he stopped, no longer able to breathe, he checked his pockets. He had his wallet, still, and his cell, but nothing else on him. Not even a spare set of clothes. He looked around. There was a bar across the street, and he decided that the first thing he would do as a newly single homeless person would be to get absolutely plastered.

He stumbled into the bar, which seemed to have just opened for the night. He sat down heavily on one of the stools, and told the bartender, "Gimme the strongest stuff you've got."

"Sure," the bartender said, giving him a wary look. "Bad day?"

"Boyfriend broke up with me," Ethan said with a hollow laugh. "I don't have any of my clothes, my shoes, my personal affects, or even my testosterone. And I won't be welcomed back."

The bartender paused as he passed Ethan the drink. "It that what that red mark across your face is for? Did the prick hit you?"

"He's not a prick," Ethan said with a sigh. "He was the love of my life, or so I thought."

The bartender shook his head. "No boyfriend worth his salt would hit his partner."

Ethan laughed and took a sip of his drink, which he thought was vodka. "Y'know what the worst part is?" Ethan asked. "I brought it on myself. I screwed up, and he finally had enough of me."

The bartender looked concerned. "My name's Roman King," he said. "What's yours?"

Ethan took a long sip of his drink. "Ethan. Ethan Price."

Roman looked confused for a brief second, before he laughed. "Small world. My boyfriend, Virgil, owns a bookstore in town square. You wouldn't happen to work there?"

"Yup," Ethan said, taking another long sip of his drink, only to find it empty after two swallows. "Might have to crash there tonight. Not like I have anywhere else to go."

Roman sobered. "You really have nowhere to go?"

Ethan shrugged. "Not like I got the chance to make many friends when Justin and I moved," he said. "Too busy making sure that the apartment was clean and that Justin was fed. He does a terrible job of taking care of himself."

Roman looked even more concerned, if that was possible. "Hey, Ethan. You mind sticking around for a little while? Just until I can call some friends of mine and see if we can get you a place to crash?"

Ethan shrugged. "I don't plan on going anywhere."

Roman nodded.

Ethan sat in silence, drinking another glass of vodka as other customers started to shuffle into the bar. After a time, Roman was arguing with Ethan about giving him another drink, which, considering Ethan had just polished off his third glass, probably was wise. But Ethan didn't care. "My boyfriend broke up with me, hit me, called me a stupid bitch, and deadnamed me, all in the span of ten minutes!" he yelled at Roman. "I deserve another drink!"

Roman looked past Ethan and called, "Virgil, Pat, Lo! Over here!"

Ethan turned to find his boss, the barista from the cafe he went to every day after work, and the florist all walking over to him. He groaned, hiccuping once and resting his head on the bar. "I don' wanna deal with this," he muttered darkly.

Virgil approached first, saying, "Hey, Ethan, you good? Roman called me and said you were having issues with your boyfriend?"

"When isn't he?" Logan scoffed. "That man breaks four vases a month, easily. And every time, Ethan comes to me asking for a new one, usually sporting a bruise or a cut or two."

Patton gasped and Ethan flinched. "What?!" Patton exclaimed. "Your boyfriend is the guy who made you unable to walk without severe pain for two weeks?! And gave you that gash on your left cheek?!"

"That was him?! That was, like, four months ago!" Virgil yelped. "Ethan, how long have you been with this guy?!"

Ethan flinched and the four murmured apologies to him. "Ethan," Roman said, not unkindly. "How long has this been going on?"

"Hmm." Ethan held his head in his hands. "At least a year. He goes out to clubs to sleep with girls and comes home and treats me like I'm one of them, but I'm not! I'm a _man!_ I'm a _man_ and I wanna be treated with respect! But I can't! I don't deserve it!" He was crying by this point. "And no one will ever love me, 'cause I'm trans, and he was being kind and doing me a _favor_ dating me, and now he's gone, and--"

Virgil held a hand up and Ethan stopped, but tears still fell silently down his cheeks. "Ethan, you can come home to crash at our place, all right? And tomorrow, we are going to that prick's apartment, and we're getting your stuff."

"But..." Ethan hiccuped. "I'm not...not worth the trouble."

"Falsehood," Logan said. "Your ex is a piece of shit, Ethan. I'm sorry, but it's true. We're going to help you find a place to stay, whether that's with us or elsewhere. And when you find that place, we're going to help you get back on your feet. Virgil isn't going to fire you over this, Patton might give you a couple free meals, and you're always welcome to come to my shop to stop and smell the roses."

Ethan giggled a little and Patton smiled softly at him. "Do you wanna get out of here, buddy?" he asked.

"Mmm. Mhm," Ethan hummed.

The three helped Ethan stand and Virgil said something to Roman, which Roman nodded at. Ethan looked back at him, and Roman smiled and waved. Ethan waved back, but he was asleep before the others even got him to the car.

When Ethan woke up, he had a killer hangover, and he was in a room he didn't recognize. He sat up, realizing his binder was off, but his shirt on, and he was immensely confused. He stumbled out of the bedroom to find Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Roman all sitting at a table, laughing and eating breakfast. "Hey, Ethan," Virgil said. "How's your head?"

"Awful," Ethan muttered. "How'd I get out of my binder?"

Virgil winced. "Uh...you fell asleep by the time we got you to our car, so Pat and I had to quickly undress you and put you back in your shirt so you wouldn't damage your ribs. Don't worry, we didn't do anything untoward."

"I know you wouldn't," Ethan mumbled. "Why am I here? Why are you all here?"

"Well, we live here," Logan said. "All of us. We're in a polyamorous relationship. As for why you're here...your boyfriend apparently kicked you out."

Ethan closed his eyes and sucked in a breath as the previous night's blurry memories ran through his head. "Oh," he said softly.

"Fear not, Ethan, because we're getting your stuff today," Roman said.

"How?" Ethan asked. "Justin isn't gonna...gonna let me back in." Much as it hurt to say, it was true.

Roman stood, and Ethan noticed for the first time that he was built like a linebacker. "He's more than welcome to pick a fight with me while you get your things."

Logan rolled up his sleeves and Ethan noticed the toned, lean muscle in his forearms. "Myself as well."

Virgil smirked. "Me too," he said, "And you know that I've made professional martial artists cry."

"He can fight me too!" Patton exclaimed. "I'm, like, barely as tall as you, Ethan, but I'm completely willing to throw down for you!"

Ethan stared at them in shock. "You don't even know me," he said.

"We know you enough," Virgil said. "And you can crash here for as long as you need. But first, we're getting your stuff."

They made their way to Justin's place after Ethan had a quick breakfast, and Roman knocked on the door. There was shuffling, and then Justin flung the door open. "Whaddaya want?!" he snapped.

"We're here to get Ethan's stuff," Roman said sweetly, pushing Justin out of the way. Virgil led Ethan into the apartment and said, "Grab everything that's yours, Ethan, we'll help you carry it."

Ethan nodded and grabbed his testosterone first. Then, he went for his clothes, which he packed in his suitcase. After that, he grabbed the few books he owned, and he walked out to the living room to find Justin glaring at him. "Not even man enough to get your stuff on your own, _Sammy?"_ Justin jeered.

Roman promptly decked him and said, " _His_ name is _Ethan,"_ with as much venom as Ethan had ever heard in a four-letter sentence. "And seeing as how you don't respect that, we're going to take him off your hands."

Patton came out of the bathroom, holding up toiletries. "Are all these yours, Ethan? I figured you didn't have any of the cologne, or the cheap hair gel."

Ethan walked over and looked at Patton's collection. "That's everything," he said.

Logan strode out from the kitchen with the vase of flowers Ethan had left. "Do you have everything else?" he asked.

Ethan nodded. "The electronics and stuff are all Justin's, and my phone charger is in my suitcase."

"Then we should get going," Roman said. "Don't want to stay around toxic people like this for too long, they might get you sick."

Ethan nodded again. "I would say it was a pleasure, Justin, but I'd be lying," he said softly, walking out.

The others followed him out, and Roman gave him a gentle hug. "What was that for?" he asked.

"For being brave enough to come back here and get what's rightfully yours," Roman said. "Honestly, how you stayed with him for that long is a mystery to me."

"Stockholm syndrome?" Ethan asked.

"Eh, that's more focused towards abductions," Logan said. "But I see your point. Misplaced loyalty."

"Yeah," Ethan said softly.

Virgil nudged Ethan. "Chin up, Ethan. You're out of that situation now. It's gonna hurt, but you'll be free, and that's an amazing feeling."

Ethan offered Virgil a small smile.

"And hey, if you ever want to join our polyam pile, we'd be more than happy to welcome you!" Patton chirped. "I know it might take a while, but we'll be here as long as you want us to be, Ethan!"

Ethan smiled softly. "Thank you," he murmured.

"It's what you deserve," Logan said.

"I don't think so," Ethan said. "You guys are angels. I'm not deserving of angels."

"I'm taking that as an invitation to prove you wrong," Virgil warned. "So be prepared for a lot of aggressive pep-talks."

Ethan laughed. "Noted."


End file.
